CONSTIPATION

I want to apologize for my tirade about divorce, but it irks me to see people locked in mortal combat as they try to win every asset they can while sacrificing their emotional and physical health.  And, yes, there are good attorneys who help their clients avoid prolonged battles while draining the assets the parties are fighting over; but they seem to be few and hard to find.  Remember, the one thing you lose while fighting for your “rightful” assets is your life.  Yes, you can’t get on with your life until the final decree is signed. So, bend over, take it and move on!

While we are talking about bending over and taking it, my patients and friends are battling constipation that comes with age, medications and poor diet.  Constipation and a bad marriage seem to have a lot in common. Both leave you feeling like you’re full of excrement and need a good dump to relieve your distress.  Both cause significant abdominal and emotional distress.  Both are hard to treat. (No, Renee and I are not in trouble.)

In the case of constipation, medicinal treatments available are glycerin suppositories, bulk laxatives, osmotic laxatives, hyperosmotic laxatives, stimulant laxatives and other less used laxatives.  There are a host of foods that act as laxatives, as well.

If your constipation is chronic, you should see your family doc or a GI specialist.  I suffer from chronic constipation related to my Parkinson’s and medications I take.  My favorite, non-medicinal approach is my bidet.  I’ve got to tell you that no description I could write would do my bidet justice.  My neighbor in Illinois used to brag about his bidet.  If you were invited to his house for any reason, you would be encouraged to try his bidet.  If you tried it, you bought one for yourself.

It’s hard to admit but Renee has to help me shower and dress.  Thanks to my BB2000, she doesn’t have to help me with toileting.  Trust me, if you are in your 60s or 70s, with or without constipation, you’ll want to get a BB2000.  No, they are not paying me for writing about them.  As always, my goal is to help my readers enjoy a healthier and happier life.

Here’s your jokes of the day:

Q. Why did the apathetic old man hope he’d finally die of constipation?

A. So that people would know he didn’t give a shit, all the way to the bitter end.

Children are like farts. Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horre