MRS. FRIDGE

I’ve got to tell you the truth.  I’m a food addict.  I made an excellent dinner.  My three course meal consisted of a mixed salad with homemade Italian dressing, lean hamburgers grilled with onions and mushrooms, fresh string beans and a frozen banana for desert.  I’m full.

I ate 2 hours ago.  I’m sitting in the family room watching TV and all I can hear is Mrs. Fridge.  She’s at it again. “Hey, come here.  I’ve got a surprise for you.  I’ll make you happy.  I’ll make you smile.  I’m full of everything you like!”

She calls all night, every night.  She’s so hard to resist.  She’s voluptuous. Unfortunately, she really is loaded with everything I like.  I go to the grocery store once a week.  I’m intent on buying good healthy food.  I know what’s healthy and, in the past, my other friend, Will Power would go with me.  Unfortunately, Will is quarantined.  I’m on my own.

As soon as I walk into the store, Mr. Salami starts calling me. “Doc, you’re not going to live forever, might as well eat me.  I’m made from low fat salami, so grab me.  I love when you put me in your cart.”  As soon as I put him in my cart, I hear from Mr. Hotdog.  He’s jealous and gets along well with Mr. Salami.

The grocery store is Nirvana.  There are lots of hooker-like foods, all calling me.  Mrs. Gelato is quick to point out that my freezer is empty and needs filling.  Mr. Bagel begs me to get him some cream cheese and lox.  Sometimes its hard to get out of the grocery store.  There is so much to be eaten.

Lately, my addiction has been worse.  Any hint of a food shortage feeds into my foodie obsession.  My foodie obsession needs to be treated and I start off every day saying “Today is the first day of my new diet.”  Then Mrs. Fridge or Mr. Freeze calls me and I go to them.  

Today is my first day of my new diet.  This article is my version of an AA meeting.  Hi, I’m Stewart and I’m a foodie junkie. Since I make the rules, my first rule is to substitute something else for food.  RENEE . . .