It’s three am and I’m wide awake. I’ve been napping on and off since first awakening at midnight. I just watched the end of a movie about a comedy writer who has Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease and is slowly losing his memory. Billie Crystal’s performance is outstanding. It’s sad when you live a full and happy life, only to lose your memory of that lifetime at the end.
I am dying a little at a time. Currently, there is more of me that is gone than there is of me that still exists. There is very little I can do about it. Most days consist of napping in my lift chair until it’s time to eat, then repeat. I can’t remember the last time I made Renee laugh or saw her smile. Her day is spent picking up after me since I drop things and can’t bend over to pick them up.
I work at maintaining a good attitude but fail often. I’ve got a long list of “used to” and it gets longer every day. I’m fighting to lose some weight yet eating is now one of the few pleasures my body allows me to partake of. There’s even a drawback to eating. I bite my lip on at regular intervals.
I’ve become that “train wreck” of a patient that I hated to see because I couldn’t fix him/her. I see a specialist for every part of my body knowing that there is not much they can do. I remember the patient who was awake all night and slept all day and the advice I gave him about nocturnal binge eating. Well now, that’s me.
I remember the counseling I gave the patient about depression and chronic illness. Now that’s me. I remember the patient who was bored because he spent almost the entire day in a chair. Now, that’s me. I remember all the patients I worked with over the years and all the good advice I handed out, and what bullshit that advice turned out to be.
I’m not giving up but it’s getting harder to be positive. I’m going on a cruise ship for a five-day trip to the Bahamas. Rather than walk the deck at sun-up and sun-down, I’ll ride a scooter. Rather than run down the beach and dive into the water, I’ll sit on the beach and look at the water. The one thing I will do well is eat, being careful not to regain the weight I’ve lost. Did I tell you I’m massive? It seems the only thing I excel at is gaining weight.
This blog is coming to an end. As I no longer practice medicine, there’s not much to write about. I certainly do not want to publish dark and depressing articles like this one. There are over 1500 articles on this site, many worth reading over and over again.
I plan to shut this site down in December so feel free to print copies of any of the articles you’ve found helpful if you want them. It has been my privilege to have shared my knowledge and thoughts with you through this site. I wish you all health and wellth.
Here’s your joke for the day: https://youtu.be/70HToRwzDQ0