OLD MAN

You know you’re an old man when your wife says “HONEY” in that special way and you’re disappointed that she wants sex rather than to let you know dinner is ready.

You know you’re an old man when every time you hear water running you have a sudden urge to pee.

You know you’re an old man when you aim at the toilet and hit everything but the toilet.

You know you’re an old man when you know where every bathroom between home and wherever you are going is located.

You know you’re an old man when you pee before leaving the house and again in 20 minutes.

You know you’re an old man when you hear the name Starbucks and you think, “They have a clean men’s room.”

You know you’re an old man when your wife says, “Let’s stop at Bed Bath and Beyond and you think, “bathroom to right of front door.”

You know you’re an old man when having fun means taking a nap.

You know you’re an old man when you pass on making love in favor of an extra nap.

You know you’re an old man when making love takes 30 seconds and goes like this: “Honey, I love you.” ” I love you too, now go to sleep.”

You know you’re an old man when your neighbor complains that your snoring is keeping him awake.

You know you’re an old man when you put on your CPAP mask and night guard and pretend that your call sign is Maverick.

You know you’re an old man when you can’t find anything without the help of your wife, and that includes your penis.

You know you’re an old man when you can’t remember your best friend’s name, and neither can he.

You know you’re an old man when your shirt looks like a culinary record of everything you’ve eaten this week.

You know you’re an old man when you brag about the dump you had this morning.

You know you’re an old man when you worry about not having a dump this morning.

You know you’re an old man when you can’t figure out how to turn the sink on in the men’s room or get the towel dispenser to give you a towel but your grandson can.

You know you’re an old man when farts seem to just appear out of nowhere and you don’t give a shit.

You know you’re an old man when you actually give a little shit with the leaking fart.

You know you’re an old man when you are afraid to laugh because you might pee.

You know you’re an old man when your bucket list has been replaced by a fuck-it list.

You know you’re an old man when every time you open a book and start reading, you fall asleep.

I know I’m an old man when I fall asleep 3 times while writing this blog.

And finally, you know you’re an old man when a happy ending is a good night’s sleep!

Here’s your daily joke:

Tom, Mike and Johnny are sitting around the breakfast table having coffee.

Tom says, “Oy, life’s a bitch.  I wake up every morning and sit on the throne for an hour, straining to take a dump.  All I get are these little rat turds.  It’s miserable being constipated.”

Mike says, “I don’t have any problem taking a dump. However, it takes me an hour to piss.  Start, stop, dribble and repeat.”

Johnny says, “I don’t have any problems taking a dump or peeing.  I just do both an hour before I wake up!”