FULL CIRCLE

I’ve come full circle back to one of my original premises: diets are bad for you!  Over the 34 years I was in practice, the average patient would go on a diet and lose 20 pounds only to gain back 30.  You may be asking yourself, “If diets are harmful, how am I going to lose weight?”  I’ll give you an answer shortly; but first, let me do a quick recap.

When I had to retire due to ill health, I lost my identity.  Dr. Segal disappeared.  Gone was his off-color sense of humor.  Gone was his medical knowledge.  Gone was his zest for life.  What was left was an old decaying body, waiting for Parkinson’s to do its worst.

I just told you a true story about a patient who was dying from the ill-founded belief that he was going to die. Much like that patient, I had given in to a scared, depressed mind.  On my journey, I started relieving parts of my past.  Using Google Earth, I started visiting places I had lived over the years and searched for the happy memories each place had.

It was on a Google Earth visit to my old office that I found my sense of humor.  Yes, I had lost my sense of humor along with everything else.  I remembered a time when the tension of a patient having a heart attack in the office was balanced by the use of a fart machine that was strategically hidden under a chair at check-out. 

Yes, while not very professional, laughter is good medicine and nothing is more universal than the humor associated with farts.  There were patients who needed the healing power of laughter and I had found a way to give them a good dose prior to leaving the office.  There were also people who needed a little kick in their butts.  One such person was a pharma sales manager who consistently berated his employees in front of me.

My staff made sure to sit him in our special chair and to sit his underling next to him.   When I finished seeing “P,” an elderly patient with a great sense of humor, I walked her to the front.  As she was talking to Dawn about a bill, I pushed the remote button in my pocket and lit the sales manager up with a low, long fart.  The reaction was immediate. “P” turned to the manger with a scald on her face.  The rep turned turned away from his manager, suppressing a laugh.  I attacked letting loose another loud fart.  At that point, “P” blurted out, “That’s disgusting!” The rep burst out laughing, got up and left.  My staff suppressed their laughter long enough to let the manager leave.

I called “P” and let her in on the prank.  She thought it was “funny as all hell.”  When the manager asked me why I would do such a thing, my response was, “Now you know how belittling your staff in front of others feels.”  While he never came back, my reps informed me that his management style had changed.  He no longer berated his staff.

Once I found my sense of humor, I realized that attitude is everything and the first thing I needed to do was adjust my attitude.  I’m not my father. He lost his sense of humor.  He was the eternal optimist until he got Parkinson’s, then he became the worst of all pessimists.  I realized I was programmed to follow in my father’s footsteps (I look like him).  I needed an attitude adjustment.

Diets belong to some one else.  No matter which one you choose, they were written to fit someone else’s lifestyle.  In my book, I suggested that, in order to lose weight once and for all, you need to slowly correct your own diet.  I’m working hard, tweaking my diet daily.   My book recognizes the value of exercise and making small deposits in your physical account over a long period of time.  I’m back to walking short distances frequently and increasing distance and speed as my body will permit.

My emotional count has been devastated by Parkinson’s and Covid.  I am taking a regular dose of humor daily.  At the end, when asked how his day was, my father-in-law would say,” I’m alive, aren’t I.  It’s a good day!”  Well, I’m alive and kicking!

So, I’ve come full circle, back to the creation of the wellthy life.  How’s your attitude?  Maybe you need a fart machine!

Here are your jokes for the day.

Farts are like children.  I’m proud of mine but disgusted by yours.

An old woman decides to get a physical after a number of years.

While the doctor is examining her, she mentions that over the years she has learned to fart silently and they never smell anymore. The doctor said “Ok, that’s great”, finishes up the exam, gives her a prescription and tells her to come back in a couple of weeks.

When she returns, she complains that her farts now smell awful.

“Good” he said. “Now that we’ve cleared out your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus.

He’s got spiked, multi-colored hair that’s green, purple, and orange.

His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags.

His legs are bare and he’s wearing worn-out shoes.

His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat that’s directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, “What are you looking at, you old fart… didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, “Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot….

I thought maybe you were my son.”

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