Do you know a big prick?  Does he hassle you? Insult you? Harass you?  Does he make you feel bad?  DOES HE MAKE YOU ANGRY?  While I know it’s hard, I want you to forgive him.  He may have a “Small Penis Syndrome” and his nasty behavior may be overcompensating for having been born just a little, or a lot, short down there.  Yes, it’s a real disorder and the hyperlink will take you to an article on SPS.

If you know someone who fits this description, try giving him the following letter.  Of course, you may be poking at a hornet’s nest.  Rather than getting stung or riling up a real psycho, perhaps it’s best just to read this article and laugh a little, lightening your mood.  The next time the schmuck attacks you, understand his affliction and laugh to yourself as you turn and walk away.


You have been nominated to the Little Dick Society of Northern Illinois (LDSNI) by many of your neighbors.  In nominating you for this not so prestigious award, your neighbors unanimously agree that you are a big prick.  One neighbor actually honored you with the title of “Major Schmuck.”

In reviewing your credentials and behavior, the board of directors unanimously agreed to offer you immediate induction into LDSNI.  You should feel truly honored as only the biggest pricks get offered immediate membership in LDSNI.

We, the members of LDSNI, truly realize how difficult it is to live with a tiny dick, assuming it is a penis and not just a very large clitoris.  It is our goal to help all persons born with tiny penises deal with their affliction on an emotional level.  It is not unusual for men, if that truly is what you are, who have tiny dicks, to ridicule others who have scars or afflictions.  By doing so, the little prick elevates his own internal status to that of a big prick and feels better.

In other words, by calling someone ugly, the little prick feels less deformed and therefore takes solace by becoming a really big prick in comparison to the person he is verbally abusing.  Many of our members were first inducted into LDSNI for this very reason.

As President, I want to assure you that having a micropenis is nothing to be ashamed of and, with years of psychologic counseling (or surgery), you can be normal.  I, myself, have not been a prick in 10 hours, which is a record for me.  While your neighbors are aware of your affliction, they really wouldn’t care if you would just stop being nasty to others and get comfortable with the idea that, in being recognized for this award, you no longer need to be a schmuck, ridiculing others.  Rather than yelling “you are ugly,” you can proudly say, “I’m recognized nationally as a major prick.”  Take pride in who you are rather than belittling others.

If I can be of further assistance, feel free to call me at SUC-KMY-DICK.  Of course, we will notify your local news media, informing them of your affliction and your new status as a member of LDSNI.

The President

Little Dick Society

Washington, D.C.

I feel I must reiterate that I do not recommend sharing this article with the prick who is currently bothering you as poking at him could bring out the worst in him.   This article is simply a tool that you can use in answering the question, “Why won’t he leave me alone?”  My hope is that by envisioning his tiny dick, you will be able to ignore whatever is spewing from his mouth and walk away laughing.

Here’s your music for the day.  Here’s your joke.

I was with my blind friend, and he’s telling me “Yeah I can read braille”. So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read “Screw you, asshole”

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