Maybe there is a God however the devastation caused by war makes me wonder.  As many of you know, I’m having a deep brain stimulator (DBS) implanted in my brain on the 23rd of this month.  What you may not know is how scared I am! I shouldn’t be.  I practiced medicine for close to 40 years and have done or seen it all.  Years ago, I assisted my local neurosurgeon in a case of traumatic brain injury and even bored holes in a child’s skull.  She did great, as did the other patients I assisted with.   Even though our tools were primitive compared to today’s tools, our patients did well.

Nonetheless, I’m scared.  I worry about having a stroke or bleed.  I worry about becoming even more of a burden on my wife than I am today.  It may surprise you, but I worry about worsening and NOT dying.  I do not want to be a burden to my family or linger in a nursing home. Realistically, DB is going to help or it’s not going to help; and I’ll deal with whatever comes my way.

Just in case I don’t survive the surgery, I’m having a going away party over the next few weeks.  My family is trickling in from Virginia, New Jersey, and Georgia.  I have been blessed with two childhood friends/brothers.  I talk to them frequently and both had reasons why they couldn’t be here.  Internet hugs are just not as good as real hugs, but they would just have to do.

Maybe there is a God, and maybe He/She/or whatever pronoun you choose to use was looking after me today and recognized how badly I need an Abe hug.  Abe was scheduled to fly into Charlotte today and make a connection to his flight to the Virgin Islands.  Apparently, a bank of fog rolled in, closing the airport, and causing Abe’s plane to circle long enough to miss his connection. Yep, you guessed it. Abe and Linda are spending the night; and, having been able to hug them and tell them I loved them has alleviated many of my fears and concerns.

There is a Yiddish word, B’Shert, that translates to “meant to be.” What was unfortunate for Abe and Linda turned out to be a blessing for Renee and me.  I’ll drive them to the airport tomorrow knowing that their layover here was B’Shert no matter what happens in the OR.

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  1. Dear Stewart and Renee,
    I just read your blog and was concerned about you and your concerns regarding your upcoming surgery. First I want to commend you on your openness and honest descriptiveness, which is not only a release for you but such a gift for others going through their own fears. That’s what makes you such a special human being. Secondly, I am sending my most positive thoughts and prayers, and hopefully you can again be living the wellthier life.

  2. Yes there is a God and he has been with you through this whole journey. I have kept you in my prayers, and will admit that even though I stand by my faith, I too am scared. There are no coincidences, just tiny little miracles like friends unexpectedly staying the night. Stay strong, so many of us love you and pray for you.

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