Month: July 2021

Regret is a harmful emotion. Regrets are best avoided. It’s one thing to regret buying a stock that plummets; it’s another to regret that you ever smoked because your chest x-ray shows a large tumor. 

People often don’t appreciate what they have until they’ve lost it. When you’ve lost your health, you will regret its loss for the rest of your (shortened) life. Not long ago, I wrote about non-compliance. Imagine that you were supposed to take your medication every day. Your doc prescribed the medicine because, without it, you would be at risk of having a heart attack. Imagine you decide that medications are expensive, bad for you, and that you are going to use all “natural” over the counter pills to treat yourself. 

Now, imagine you wake up in the coronary intensive care unit. Your doctor tells you that you suffered a cardiac arrest (died). You try to ask him a question but gibberish comes out. The doc explains that you are stable; but you were without oxygen for too long and you have suffered hypoxic brain damage. You’ve had a stroke. You realize you can’t move your right hand and leg. You’re alive, and, for the first time in your life, you understand what being healthy was all about. 

You understand that you may never walk, work, drive, or even make love again. You understand that you will have to take medications, go to rehab, have full time help, and learn to live a new life. You understand that you should have never stopped your medication. You will regret that decision for a very long time. 

Every day, doctors plead with patients to take their medications, get their colonoscopies/stress tests/ x-ray, done. They plead with them to stop smoking and drinking. They ask them to give up cholesterol, sugar, and other goodies so that they can be healthier. I write articles (over 1400) aimed at helping them understand how important their health is. 

Every day, my patients tell me they are going to try to care for themselves. I hate the word “Try”. To me, try implies failure. I ask them to work at being healthy. I explain that the stakes are high, often to no avail. You don’t know what you have until you lose it. A healthy person cannot imagine what it is like to lose his health. A healthy person cannot imagine how much “regrets” hurt! 

Life is full of regrets. Do everything within your power to be healthy. Live a “wellthy” life by investing in your physical, nutritional, emotional and financial wellbeing with the same fervor as you invest in your financial health. Work with your doctor. Learn all you can learn. Follow your doc’s instructions. Don’t fall for the hype of the “all natural” nutraceuticals world. If you don’t believe you need a treatment or a test, discuss it with your doctor. 

Staying out of trouble is much better than getting out of trouble. Remember my favorite blessing, “May you be so blessed as to never know what disease you prevented.” Be “Wellthy” and live a long life without regrets.

Here’s your joke of the day:

What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?

A $100 bill! 

I don’t know about you but I have heard so much about the risks of catching Covid-19 that I had forgotten how bad a summer time cold can be.  This was my favorite time of the year!  Kids would go back to school and come home with an assortment of cold symptoms from a vast supply of viruses that inhabit schools and daycare facilities.  Naturally, the first thing the sick kid does when he gets sick is give it to his parents, grandparents and siblings.  Households with lots of children often stayed ill until spring, with each child passing the germ on before running its course.  The common cold paid my bills and kept me busy caring for kids.

When I practiced medicine, my immune system was the equivalent of the Navy’s Top Gun unit.   It was always patrolling my borders, turning back or eradicating intruders.  Now I’m a sickly old man and my defenses are like the southern border of the US.  My cough keeps me awake all night and muscle and joint aches make sure I’m miserable.

I waited 5 days before calling my doc.  Like so many of my patients, I asked for an antibiotic even though I know that my cold is most probably caused by a virus and viruses do not respond to antibiotics.  I got a 3-day Z-pak prescription which I just finished.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to be helping.

I am amazed at how fast I transitioned from being a well-trained doc who practiced evidence-based medicine to an ordinary patient driven by wishful thinking and voodoo.  I don’t know whether to thank my doc for giving me a trial on antibiotics or to find a new doc who won’t stray from the scientific path we are supposed to follow.

As doc/patient, I will do one thing differently in the future.  I will mask whenever I’m around sick people.  If I had worn that hated N95 mask around my sick grandchildren over my birthday weekend, perhaps I would have evaded this bug.  I would have been uncomfortable but not nearly as sick as I am now.  I hate being sick! However, I knew I’d catch the kids cold and being together with my entire family was worth it. I just would have been a little smarter in mask wearing.

As we enter cold and flu season, prevention is going to be the name of the game.  Get adequate rest, take zinc, eat well, and consider using a mask.  Remember to get your flu shot as well.

Here’s your joke for the day:

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working; I’m going to my mum’s.”

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I’m not sure what she was talking about.

I turned 70 on the 19^th and had a phenomenal weekend with my whole family.  We all met in Marietta, Georgia at my son’s house.  Once again, I ate too much and drank too much.  It’s back to my diet today and to Rock Steady next week. Today’s article is going to focus on wearing masks and getting vaccinated.

First, I GET IT! I spent the last 45 years wearing surgical masks and hated them.  Every time I had to mask, I put one on even though they were uncomfortable.  During my surgical training, I wore masks all day long.  They irritated my skin and assaulted my sense of smell; and, on occasion, I felt like they were cutting off my air supply.

I wore masks when I was sick.  I wore masks when my patients were sick.  I wore masks during the flu season.  I dressed in gowns, gloves, and masks when I made rounds on an infectious disease patient.  I made it to 70 years old by taking the appropriate precautions even though I hated masks.

I DON’T GET WHY SO MANY PEOPLE REFUSE TO PUT ON MASKS AND GET VACCINATED AGAINST COVID.  You may believe that Covid-19 is not real.  If I’m wrong and Covid-19 is a hoax, then a lot of people are dying from nothing; and statistics suggest that wearing a mask and getting vaccinated will prevent you from dying from “nothing.”

The number of cases of Covid-19 are rising again.  The number of deaths will rise as well.  I’ve had Covid-19 and the Pfizer vaccine.  I’m going back to masking.  I’d rather wear a mask than get Covid-19 again.  When a booster becomes available, I’ll take that as well. 

I’m starting to ask acquaintances if they been vaccinated and will stay away from those individuals who choose to refuse vaccination.  They have the right to get sick and even die but they do not have the right to contaminate me and my family.  I will forever regret giving Covid-19 to my dearest friends.  I was cocky and thought that I was trained well enough as to not catch Covid-19.  After all, in 45 years of practicing medicine, I had never caught an infectious disease from a patient.  Boy, was I wrong!  I’m not so cocky now.

Don’t be so self-assured that you miss your chance to prevent Covid from assaulting you and your family.  Put a mask on and get vaccinated.  Remember, the life you save may be your own.

Here’s your joke for the day:

I got pulled over by the police …

He came to the window and said papers …

I said – scissors, I win – and drove off He must be desperate for a rematch as he’s been ch

When I was in Cub Scouts, an old lady (she was probably 30) walked up to me and said, “You must be Mike Segal’s son.  You look just like him.”  Over the years, I heard that statement multiple times.   I can tell you, for certain, that I’m Mike’s Segal’s son!  The longer I live, the more I think I’m reliving his life. 

When I look in the mirror, I see my dad’s face.  My hands are his hands.  My chronic cough and hocking up phlegm are identical to my dad’s.  My pessimism and negativism are Mike’s.  It’s freaky and it’s sad.  My dad’s end was nasty.

I’m going to have more surgery; and, at my age, in my condition, the risk of surgery is magnified.  My mother refused to let my father die.  Every time he tried, she had the docs pull him back from the other side.  Renee and the children know that their duty will be to let me go when the Parkinson’s worsens, if I get dementia, or if I lose the ability to enjoy life. I know it hurts them to hear me say that, but I have no choice.  On average, most of my patients held on to life so long that their lives were miserable.  Their family’s lives were miserable as well, even though they wouldn’t admit it.

In the end, we all die.  Often, wives and children would express shame at feeling relief after the death of their loved one.  I would remind them of the love and care they showed for their father/husband and explain that the relief they felt was because their loved one no longer suffered.  In reality, part of their relief was because their suffering was at an end, ready to be replaced with a different kind of misery.

I can not remember the details of the good times I had with my father as the end lasted so very long and left so much misery.  I can only hope that my family will be spared the worst and be able to remember Fourth of July by the pool.  Seeing what Renee is going through as she takes care of me has changed my perception of my mother, as well.

My mother was left in Norfolk to care for my dad on her own.  I can only imagine how hard that must have been.  Her children and grandchildren lived away and trips home were short and hectic.  She was tough and made a life for herself despite my being in Illinois and my brother in Tennessee. I judged her harshly at times and I regret that. 

The moral of this story is to be careful not to live too long.  Secondarily, your elders need your support as they move closer to the end.  Do not judge them as you may be destined to become them.  Instead, spend as much good time with them as you can rather than standing at graveside regretting the many missed opportunities to make a good memory to overshadow the bad ones.

Now, for my Theory of Relativity.  That old lady who identified me as Mike’s son was probable 30.  Thirty was definitely old at that point in my life.  Later on, thirty was hot, the marrying age.  At fifty, 30 was still hot but starting to look a little too young.  At sixty, 30 was my daughter’s age and taboo.  At 70, eighty-year-olds are starting to look hot. You can stare at them as long as you want, neither of you will remember. Honestly, at seventy, you can peek at 30-year-olds just long enough to realize you need a nap.  There you have it, my theory of relativity based on age.

Here’s your joke:

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Miller Genuine. He didn’t like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him a Fosters, he didn’t like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey,

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

Today is a good day to discuss “compliance.”  I saw my doc yesterday and she administered a screener for depression which I failed.  Of course, I’m depressed.  Wouldn’t you be if your motor skills were vanishing in front of your eyes?  Tomorrow, I’m scheduled for a cervical epidural and I may need a multi-level cervical fusion.  That’s depressing, isn’t it?

Of course, it is!  These days there are plenty of reasons to be depressed.  The doc wants to start me on antidepressants and in counseling.  For sure, I don’t want more meds.  I’m already taking pills every 3 hours.  Some of my pills are meant to counter the effects of others.  Adding one more doesn’t make sense.

I’m a strong believer in counseling; but, realistically, how is counseling going to help with Parkinson’s and Degenerative Disc Disease?  I guess the counselor will work on my perceptions of my illness.  Will it help?  Time will tell.

I asked Dr Rosen for her opinion and help with my health issues.  She gave me her opinion.  My choices are to comply with her treatment or ignore it.  Over the years, those patients who complied with my orders did well while many of those who were non-compliant did poorly.  Despite my doubts about counseling and meds, I’m going to choose to comply with her plan and see how I do.  After all, I’m now the patient and asking for the doc’s advice; and ignoring it would be silly.  It would assume that I know more than the doc and you know what they say about assumptions.  To assume often makes an “ass out of u and me.”

We’ve talked about the patient’s role in getting well and maintaining their health and wellth.  Compliance with your doc’s advice is critical.  Almost as important as compliance is making sure your doc knows when you are non-compliant.  Let me give you an example.  Doc S has diagnosed Patient A with hypertension and heart disease.  Doc S prescribed two meds for his elevated pressure, one of which will also protect A’s heart.

On a follow up visit, Patient A fails to tell his doc that he is not taking his meds regularly.  A’s BP is markedly elevated, so Doc S stresses how important controlling A’s BP is and gives A stronger meds.  Meanwhile, A decides to comply and starts on the new meds.  Two days later, he passes out at work, cuts his forehead needing sutures and suffers a mild concussion. The ER documents hypotension (low BP) secondary to his meds and reduces his dosage to his original dose.

Had Patient A been compliant from the onset, he would have skipped the ER and done well.  Had Patient A told his doc that he was non-compliant, the doc could have simply reviewed the importance of taking his meds and kept him on the starting dosage. Either way, A wins if he is upfront and honest.

I’ve sent many patients for counseling and have seen marked improvements in patient wellbeing following counseling.  I’ll start counseling next week and give it a month.  I informed my doc that I would be willing to take an antidepressant if she really felt it would help.  She agreed to put additional meds on hold for the time being.

Here’ your joke for the day:

This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the men in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That’s scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

There was an old guy who took suppositories as a medication. One time he went to a restaurant with his wife.  She said, “What is a suppository doing in your ear?” The old man says, “Oh! Now I know where my hearing aids are!”

👍🏼

Do you drive a car?  Are you a passenger in a car?  Do you know how many injuries are attributed to driving in a car?  Do you know how many people die in car accidents yearly?

In 2019, there were 36,096 automotive fatalities and 2,740,000 people injured in car accidents.  I’m willing to bet you that you know someone who has been injured in an automobile accident.  Despite millions of injuries a year, we either drive a car or are a passenger in a car on a daily basis.  Sure, we buckle up for safety and follow the rules of the road in an effort to lessen the odds of being involved in or injured in an automotive accident; but no matter how cautious you are, you cannot guarantee that you won’t have an accident.

Do you remember when seatbelts first came out?  I do!  My father refused to wear them.  People feared that seatbelts would actually worsen their chances of injury in an accident.  My father was afraid that he would be trapped in a burning or submerged car due to the seatbelt.  As the years passed, it became more evident that seatbelts saved lives.  Of course, there were those cases where the seatbelt did cause injury; but, overall, buckling up made sense.

So, why am I writing about seatbelts?  The invention and use of seatbelts can be used as an analogy for the development and use of the Covid-19 vaccine. Just as people feared the use of seatbelts, they fear the use of the Covid-19 vaccine.  Driving a car can also serve as an analogy for the Covid vaccine.  A car is a vehicle that gets you from point A to point B relatively safely. Wearing your seatbelt helps diminish the risk of serious injury should you have an accident while driving the car.

The Covid-19 vaccine helps you socialize, shop, return to school and work safely.  Should you get a Covid infection despite being vaccinated, the vaccine lessens your chance of hospitalization and dying from the infection.

So, why aren’t people getting the Covid-19 vaccine?  Fear, fed by the Internet, and looking at the vaccine from the wrong perspective are stopping people from receiving this critical vaccine.  The better perspective is everything we do carries risk of injury or even death!  As in the case of the car, we follow the rules of the road. In the case of the Covid-19 vaccine, if you have concerns, have your doctor address them, not the Internet’s search engines or Facebook.

Anecdotally, I’ve had Covid-19; and, from personal experience, I can tell you it is miserable.  Its effects and damage may well be long term in nature.  This viral curse is not done with us yet as evidenced by the recent increase in cases worldwide.

Here’s your joke for today:

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two, Now

2nd Edit- One, Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW, this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children:  Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

My brother recommended that I read a book he had just read.  “The Noticer: Sometimes, “All a Person Needs is a Little Perspective” by Andy Andrew.  I don’t read; I listen.  The book is read by the author; and he is an excellent reader, making this book even more enjoyable and educational.

One of the stories he tells is about a young man who is down on his luck. The main character, whose name is Jones, and another young man had lunch together on the beach.  The lunch consisted of Vienna sausage and sardines; and the young man, who lived under the pier, did not like the combo.

The punchline is that, while the young man had a lousy lunch on the sand near the pier where he lived, Jones had surf and turf by the ocean. Simply put, the experience they shared differed based on their individual perspectives.  My brother should have been a psychologist.  He picked up on the change in my mood and, rather than lecturing me, gave me a delightful book to help reorient me.

Whatever life I have left can either be miserable, focusing on my losses and handicaps, or marvelous, focusing on my blessings and remaining abilities.  It’s funny how, despite the years of counseling patients and teaching them about how important perspective is, I could ignore what Dr. Segal knows and get lost in what Stewart thinks. 

In medical school, we learned that we should never treat ourselves or family and friends, as we supposedly lose our objectivity when dealing with loved ones and those close to us.  I always thought that edict was BS.  I’m discovering the truth.  While Dr Segal could look from the outside at a patient’s situation, when dealing with Stewart (myself) and perhaps family, the view is from the inside out and, many times, warped by my perspective.

Let me share a true story with you.  My very first patient with cancer had a particularly nasty type of cancer and her cancer was in a late stage when she was diagnosed.  As most patients with cancer do, she asked me how long she was likely to live.  Not only did I refuse to make a prediction, I begged her not to ask any other docs that question and to stay away from the library (pre-computer source of knowledge).  She followed my instructions.  Regrettably, her family did not.  They discovered that she had, on average, 3 months to live. 

SHE LIVED 8 YEARS!  She had multiple tumors grow and regress.  Her perspective was that she would live until she died and was going to enjoy everyday as much as possible.  She confided in me that what bothered her the most was the look on her family’s faces. They went to the library and walked away with the perspective that their mom was going to die in the near future.  The fear on their faces was harder to deal with then the cancer itself.

My overall take away message is that, when transitioning from doctor to patient, maintaining and following the “doctor’s wisdom” is difficult but necessary.  I’m losing weight because I’ve gone back to the basics I’ve taught others for years.  I’m working on my Blessings List because counting your blessings is better than taking antidepressants.  I’m going to Rock Steady because that’s what I told my Parkinson’s patients to do.  I’m reviewing Mr. Wonderful’s book of positive sayings that I’ve shared with so many patients over the years.

Thanks, bro!

Here’s today’s joke:

One night, the 96-year-old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know, I’ll come up and see.” He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, “Was I going up the stairs or coming down?”

The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

Rock Steady is one of the best things I’ve ever done.  As I’ve said before, one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done is put off joining a Rock Steady until I was in really bad shape.

According to Rock Steady’s website, “The mission of Rock Steady Boxing is to empower people with Parkinson’s disease to fight back.”

Rock Steady Boxing, a 501 (c)(3) nonprofit organization, gives people with Parkinson’s disease hope by improving their quality of life through a non-contact boxing-based fitness curriculum.  It really does work!  I work out with a group of Parkinson’s patients on Monday and Wednesdays.  If you had asked me about Rock Steady 8 weeks ago, I would have told you that, while I would give it a trial, I doubted I would stick with it.  I hated group activities and exercise.

I’ve changed my mind.  Being in a group with other Parkinson’s patients has been eye opening. The group welcomed me with open arms.  Exercising in a boxing-based class is already paying off.  I’m ready to increase my participation in Rock Steady to 3 times a week.  I may even go 4 times a week.

At the onset of a Rock Steady session, the group forms a circle and each member answers the question of the day.  Yesterday’s was to name 4 things you are thankful for. We all have bad days and I was coming off a 3 bad day period.  Answering yesterday’s question forced me to concentrate on my positives and listening to the rest of the group share details of their lives brightened my day.

We then took a few laps around the gym and warmed up with our stretching exercises before donning our boxing gloves.  I was surprised to find that I enjoy boxing and left at the end of the session feeling better than I did when I got there.  By the end of the session, I’m covered in sweat.

Recently, I wrote about arrogance.  I’m guilty!  I was arrogant enough to assume that I did not need Rock Steady.  Afterall, I‘m a doctor, know everything about Parkinson’s and could exercise on my own.

Today’s topic is “the stubborn patient.”  Again, I’m guilty.  Multiple patients and friends recommended I join Rock Steady.  I didn’t.  The medical literature recommended I join Rock Steady and I stubbornly ignored their recommendations.  Over the years, I dealt with stubborn patients on a regular basis.  Most were men.  You’d think I would have learned that stubborn patients often hurt themselves.  I didn’t!

Learn from my mistakes.  Do as I say, not as I did!  If you’re a man, the odds that you will stubbornly refuse good advice is high.  In multiple recent studies, more women than men have received the Covid vaccine.  As of early April, statistics showed the vaccine breakdown between women and men was generally close to 60% and 40% — women made up 58% of those vaccinated in Alabama and 57% in Florida, for example.  Get vaccinated!

I know what you’re thinking.  Women can be stubborn, too.  You’re right, except women tend to be more compliant and less stubborn when it comes to taking care of themselves.  That may be why there are so many more widows than widowers.

Here’s your joke for today:

Husband: You are negative

Wife: And you are stubborn, arrogant, a low life, care about no one but yourself and your friends, all you are interested in is your own self, and in all your life you’ve not fulfilled even one of your promises. I’m the only one that has to put up with such a miserly and insensitive man. You good for nothing, fat, ugly man. Even your hair transplant failed.

Husband: I was just letting you know that your Covid test was negative.

Did you ever find yourself wishing that your life was as good as someone else’s? Ever hear someone say, “The grass is greener on the other side of the fence?”  I think it’s human nature to imagine that others have it better than you and to wish you could trade places.  Would it surprise you if I told you that the neighbor whose fortunate life you covet is looking out his window and wishing he had it as easy as you?

One of the gifts caring for so many families over the years gave me was a real look inside their houses and lives.  What that intimate view taught me is that nobody in his/her right mind would trade their problems for someone else’s.  The grass is definitely not better on the other side of the fence.

Nonetheless, after reviewing the MRI of my neck with the neurosurgeon yesterday, I’m ready to swap problems with anybody crazy enough to swap with me.  I’m also jealous.  I’m struggling to walk due to my Parkinson’s and probably also due to cervical disc disease.  Walking is one of those things that people take for granted.  I did.  When I could have walked with ease on a daily basis, I made excuses for not walking.  I was always either too busy or too tired.  Now that it’s difficult to walk and I’ve got motorized scooters and wheelchairs in my future, I feel like a fool.

WALK WHILE YOU CAN! Don’t be a fool.  Walking is good exercise.  The more you walk, the more you’ll be able to walk.  Walking with others brings you closer to them.  Socialize while you can.  Need some quiet time?  Walk by yourself.  Don’t take walking for granted.

Looking forward to retirement?  I can tell you that retiring due to illness is no fun!  Despite all that practicing medicine taught me, I’m jealous of those who have their health.  I’m using that jealousy to fuel my fight to regain some of my lost health.  I’ll do whatever I have to do to get stronger and healthier.  Sure would have been easier to maintain my health in the past than get it back now.

Here’s the joke for today:

Jealous wife gets call from husband late for supper:

He said, “Baby, I know I’m late, but I had a terrible accident at work. My friend Brenda brought me to the hospital. I lost one arm and I have three hundred staples in my head. I probably won’t live through the night. If I do, they’ll have to amputate both legs and I’ll need around-the-clock care for the rest of my life.”

His wife said, *”Who the hell is Brenda?!?”*

It’s been so long since I’ve been to an actual movie theater that I have no idea whether they still play coming attractions before starting the movie but the coming attractions were often the best part of my theater experience.  In a brief amount of time, the viewer got to experience the most exciting parts of multiple movies.  I remember saying, “I want to see that one as soon as it comes out,” and repeating it multiple times.

July 4^th has always been one of my favorite holidays.  I love fireworks and water so the fourth of July was always a big deal in the Segal household.  There were fireworks over the pool and a great display at my neighbor’s house overlooking the pond.  The party often started at noon and ended the next day.

I was happy to see that my new neighborhood came out in mass to sit at the community pool and enjoy the spectacle of a 360 degree fireworks display.  Unfortunately, my Fourth came with a prolonged viewing of the coming attractions for the movie, “Living with Parkinson’s is Hell!”  I shut down shortly before getting in the car to drive over to the pool.  I stayed shut down for the rest of the evening.  I struggled to get from the car to the pool and did not think I would ever get back to the car again.

It was pretty damn scary!  I knew it was coming but didn’t think it would come on this quickly.  There is no longer any doubt in my mind.  I will have a deep brain stimulator implanted in my brain.  First, I must deal with the herniated disc in my neck, my chronic cough and my enlarged thyroid.  That’s already in progress.  I also need to lose some weight and have shed 4 pounds.

The most important thing I have to do is get in the right mindset.  I can contend with the medical end of Parkinson’s and even with the mechanical failures, what I’m having trouble with is the fact that Renee has chosen to take this journey with me.  Spending her retirement accompanying me through a tour of hell is just not right.  She deserves better!  Unfortunately, this ride may be far from over.

I’ve changed my mind, I no longer like the coming attractions!

Here’re your jokes for the day:

God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.” George Burns

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn’t even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man’s apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So, he strode down the aisle to where the old man sat.

In a loud voice, the devil said, “PUNY HUMAN, DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” Without glancing up, the man said, “I’d guess you’d be the devil?”

“I AM LUCIFER, MASTER OF THE SEVEN CIRCLES OF HELL! DO YOU NOT FEAR ME?”

“Nope.”

“DON’T YOU KNOW THAT I COULD FORCE YOU TO ENDURE TORMENT AND AGONY THAT WOULD GO ON FOR YEARS?

“I suppose you could.”

“AND THIS PROSPECT DOESN’T FRIGHTEN YOU?”

“Not really, no.”

The devil was so surprised that, for a moment, he forgot to act scary. “I must admit I’m confused; no one has ever been so calm in the face of such power before. I must know what your secret is!

Finally looking up, the old man looks the devil in the eyes and says, “Well… I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years….”